On The Control and Domestication of Humans (guest blog)

The local house cat, China, has requested I post this submission. (ebdm)

It is approaching the end of the current human residents' term here at Casa Empresso Catarina Olivantes de Sorba (my home). The humans have crudely named the house Casa de Mike and this correspondant, China Cat.

The current guests at the casa include a human male which I have named Lesser Tool, a human female which I have named Minor Minion and a black dog, which I have named Brainless Turd. After an initial period of surveillance I was able to determine the heirarchy of the group. While Brainless Turd initially appeared to be subjugated to the whims of the humans it became apparent over time that he had significant control and manipulated both Lesser Tool and Minor Minion to a great degree. Understanding the power relationships within the group I decided upon an appropriate plan of action and within the first week of occupation commenced putting this plan into effect.

I decided upon one of the stock plans for human domestication. Specifically, the "Four Step Basic Plan" as enunciated in that seminal work, Plans for Subjugation of Humans by His Eminence Rudolfo Guyana Haberoncay De Rigenfort, was chosen for this project. The four steps specified in the plan are:

1. Acceptance via cuteness and perceived submission
2. Demonstration of worthiness and skill
3. Disappearance
4. Reappearance and control

I am pleased with the implementation and results of the Four Step Basic Plan and provide details on each step in the following:

1. Acceptance via cuteness and perceived submission

This is stock process and we have all been well trained in it's deployment.  A conflicting factor in the process was the necessity to both avoid and expose myself to Brainless Turd.  Given the control he has over the humans their responses to my approaches was mitigated by their need to demonstrate their affection for Brainless Turd and to ensure that his position within the group was not compromised.  I recommend most highly the treatise Dummies Guide to the Subjugation of Dogs by Prince Lorenzo Himenez Edwardo De Silva III.  Prince Lorenzo provides clear guidelines on the reading of dog boundaries and how to move those boundaries through our force of presence.

2. Demonstration of worthiness and skill

There is some overlap between step 1 and 2.  In fact, it is useful to deploy step 1 throughout the course of the training.  Humans have a notoriously short attention span and require reinforcement on a regular basis. 

 To demonstrate my worthiness as the controlling actor in the casa, I chose to capture and kill a house pest, in this case a Transandinomys talamancae (Talamancan Rice Rat).  After announcing my kill and gaining the attention of the humans I proceeded to spend the remainder of the night dismembering and dissecting the rodent.  Leaving the intact internal organs and spine of the talamancae in one location and moving the meat and remaining bones to another was somewhat painstaking but necessary. Humans are easily shocked and at this early stage of their training it is important to disturb their world view (see Archtype and Symbol, Creating Psychic Disturbances in Humans by His Holiness Gustav Rickard Semiastrillo Rupert). 

 By implementing this elegant technique the humans became much more pliable.  In a continuous state of uncertainty as to my intentions, they were also in a somewhat awed state as to my capabilities.  Given their current state of mind it was time to put step 3 into effect.

3. Disappearance

For a period of four days and nights I removed my person from contact with the humans.  Staying close, yet abstaining from contact I was able to observe their state of mind.  As each day passed the humans showed increasing concern as to my well-being.  Being simple-minded, they assumed that I was unable to look after myself in my own environment and as days passed took on more responsibility for my absence.  Their concern that Brainless Turd was implicated in my disappearance added to their psychic dissonance, increasing their pliability.

4. Reappearance and control

Choosing an opportune moment, I announced my return to the humans.  Unable to understand our language, it was amusing to see them joyfully greet me as I announced "greetings morons, your mistress returns".  My ration of food has been increased and I move about the house as I please.  Treats, such as leftover fish are now appearing at my dining table.  Brainless Turd has been subjugated and is a minor irritant not worth bothering with.

I hope this case study has been useful and I have made some small contribution to my readers.  I look forward to the next guests at my casa and trust they will be somewhat more challenging than the current occupants.

In fellowship for all Felidae, most cordially, Empresso Catarina Olivantes de Sorba.