Cheese Puffs - A Cultural Analysis

I've grown up with the Hawkins Cheezie and have always considered it a superior product.  The Hawkins Cheezie is as Canadian as ... uh ... uhhhh ... as Canadian as, as ... as Ann Murray shooting a frozen horse turd at Stompin' Tom Connors in net at the Tim Horton's parking lot.  Yeah!  That Canadian.  And she scores, too, 'cause Tom was busy stompin' on a sheet of plywood instead of properly playing the angle.

The Hawkins Cheezie is a solid piece of fried corn meal, misshapen and knobby, with crevices that can hold extra "real cheddar cheese".  They are solid and crunchy.  The Hawkins Cheezie will not melt in your mouth like those pathetic cheese puffs (poofs?).

If I line up four cheese puffs on a table and give each of them a name, like Bruce, Ellen, Lance and Roseanne and then ask you to memorize each cheese puff's name,  I will wager you will never remember "who" was "who".   The cheese puff is anonymous - a clone - manufactured by some repetitive puffing process (keep your dirty thoughts in check).

Now, let me line up four Hawkins Cheezies on a table and name them Wayne, Barbara, Terry and Mary-Lou.  If you have anything approaching a memory, you will be able to identify each Cheezie when re-introduced.  That is one of the great appeals of the Hawkins Cheezie.  Not only is this a delicious snack food, each bite is a unique experience.

The Hawkins Cheezie humbly mutters its Canadian identity.  Solid, dependable and maybe just a little boring.  Check out the Hawkins Cheezie website to get a glimpse of some Canadian content.  As mentioned in their earnest mission statement:

We believe that people, our managers, our permanent staff, our temporaries and our students represent the brick and mortar of our company. It is through people producing the finest quality product available, we will continue to forge our future. We will always recognize that our customers are the vital key to our future. We are obligated to our customers to deliver the finest and we have promised to do so in full measure.

Enough said!  There are the Canadian values we can take pride in, in full measure!

It is telling that Eric Cartman is a spokesman for the Cheesy Poof.  Who wants to be associated with any snack food endorsed by that little misanthrope?



Now is where I will begin my healing.  The first step is to acknowledge my addiction.  My new addiction.  "My name is Earnest B. DeMille and I am addicted to Meneitos Clasicos".  The Meneitos are the crack cocaine of the extruded cornmeal cheesy snack.  I don't know what Meneito, with his wily Latin ways has introduced into these horneados.  Whatever it is, these babies are physically addictive.

Yeah, the Meneito is anonymous.  You couldn't tell Chico from Maria from Juan Alberto from Julita.  But you will eat one and one more and again and again and again.  Your mouth and fingers smeared with that cheesy coating that you lick clean, promising yourself, "just one more" and then "just one more" until the entire package is empty and you're planning your next trip to the mercado.

The Meneito is not a humble, solid product backed by a somnabulent mission statement that gives you pride in your humble, stolid snack food.  Nope.  The message at Jack's, the company that manufactures Meneitos, is upbeat and chirpy.  Kids are being drawn into the addictive net that Jack throws with his cheese encrusted fingers.  Contrast the dependable Hawkins message with what Jack's website projects.  The kids don't have a chance!

I've taken the first step in my recovery.

Be warned.  There is a free trade agreement between Canada and Costa Rica!  It is now the time to petition my member of parliament and the minister in charge of trade.  No Jack's products should be allowed into our country.  I will be keeping you informed of my progress with my disease and my efforts with the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and International Trade.

But first, I have to wipe all these orange stains off the keyboard.